D-Day - 11:49 a.m.

”So what’s the big oi-dea?”

We were having a conversation with Tony The Production Guy. He was in the middle of barbequing some eggplant (or, for you Americans, aubergine) and he was a little distracted, but Mr. Oaf suspected that Tony TPG thought he was about to get fired.

“So how’s the ‘exciting sales push’ coming along?” asked Mr. Oaf.

“Ah,” said Tony TPG.

Flash back to: Some Weeks Earlier

Tony TPG had advised Mr. Oaf that if he didn’t get around to selling the TEZNEZCO! T-shirts, then he could be fired. Mr. Oaf had told him it wasn’t that simple. There was no way the bears were going to let him go, just like that, after all the promises of untold wealth and riches, ponies and flannel flowers on their velvet pillows… they wanted their t-shirts out on the streets and in fashion magazines and being worn by famous newsreaders and they wanted the names of Teddy and Nesbitt to be sung from the very heavens themselves. So get cracking!

“So how’s the ‘exciting sales push’ coming along?” asked Mr. Oaf.

“Ah,” said Tony TPG.

“That doesn’t sound good,” said Mr. Oaf. “No good at all. Are you going to clear out your desk?”

“Well, I went out and saw people in nine shops and…”

“And?”

“No one wants TEZNEZCO! t-shirts. They say they look Japanese, but they’re not Japanese, they look ironic but they’re too cute and if they like cute, then they’re too ironic. It’s a bit of a problem.”

“But what about all those people who ‘expressed interest’?”

“They’ve changed their minds, they’re fickle…”

“What about the T-Shirt Barn in Newtown, they bought nine!”

“And they’ve only sold two… we should be thankful that they haven’t put the rest in the bargain bin…”

Tony TPG went back to roasting the eggplant.

“What we need is a rethink of the whole TEZNEZCO! brand push,” said Tony as he inspected a sliver of eggplant held between his thumb and forefinger.

Boswell, who was sitting close by, said something quite sensible, clever and possibly was an entire strategy that would save the company… but Mr. Oaf and Tony TPG shouted him down. That’s the TEZNEZCO! way.

“Hmm,” said Mr. Oaf. “How am I going to tell the board about this?”

“You’ll have to tell them something – otherwise you’ll be fired as well.”

Mr. Oaf explained to Tony that he wasn’t technically an employee of TEZNEZCO!, more a bonded servant, or slave, if you will.

Teddy Takes News Calmly

“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN TOO IRONIC!!!!”, said Teddy.

“Er…”

“I’M THE MOST SINCERE BEAR IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!”

Some time later

Teddy takes Frances Ford Coppola’s advice to heart. “Teddy, to make money you have to spend money,” said Frances one day on the set of Apocalypse Now. Teddy, playing a helicopter pilot, wrote the advice on the back of an envelope and has never forgotten it. Thus…

The Big oi-dea

We’re going to build our own website. It’s going to be expensive. It’s going to have staff of 110 people, including 25 full time IT staff and 15 designers. We’ll have beer on Friday afternoons and we’ll have a massage when we feel tense. It’s going to have “killer apps” and maybe even a flaming logo. And links. And pictures. And maybe even a downloadable MP3 by DJ Nesbitt.

Why hasn’t anyone ever thought of doing something like this before - a website that sells stuff?

This is going to be unique.

All we need now is a business plan. And luckily Teddy already has one we can use!

bears in history - future bears

“This diary cracked me up, completely, perhaps the oddest diary I have ever read. I'm not sure if it's a takeoff on something or someone that I have somehow missed. Regardless, TEZNEZCO! chronicles the adventures of two bears and describe them as if they are a minority of some sort. The writing is disturbingly matter-of-fact as if it is perfectly normal to be writing about these bears as people. I like it; it's pleasantly novel" - Diaryreview

DiaryReview