Monday - 11:15 a.m.

Chitter Chatter All Day Long

At first we didn’t notice anything was wrong. We went about our daily chores around the TEZNEZCO! office unaware that anything was amiss. Teddy had finally completed his months-long project of clipping coupons and saving receipts that come with special offers on the back. We had planned a whole day out on the largesse of these special offers.

We would start with a complimentary meal with purchase at a local Black Stump restaurant. Nesbitt likes the Chicken Kiev at Black Stump and Teddy is partial to a tipple of the complimentary Cabernet Sauvignon. Bim likes the salad bar and Penguin is fond of the ice cream with sprinkles.

We were then going to the movies to see a movie using Mr. Oaf’s so far unused two free complimentary tickets card courtesy of the Film Critics Circle of Australia on a non-No Free List movie (a toss up between Harry and The Hendersons Directors Cut, The Astounding Thornberrys or perhaps Baise Moi - the bears being great fans of contemporary French cinema a la Amilié.

There were a number of other random plans, time permitting, to get a free Subway Sandwich, one free overnight rental DVD and a free weekly and some chlorine from the pool supplies shop.

That was the plan, anyway, and there was rejoicing as the coupons and receipts were flung in the air like we were bank robbers enjoying our new found loot.

Then Teddy, who had been wistfully looking out the window at the ocean, turned around and asked, “Hey, has anyone noticed all these Rainbow Lorikeets hanging around outside?”

Nesbitt became quickly suspicious, being a suspicious type, and Penguin got the binoculars and started scanning the trees.

It was true… the entire TEZNEZCO! office was surrounded by chitter-chattering Lorikeets. Mrs. Oaf suggested that it was because we had been leaving out $1.99 Bird Feed and the Lorikeets were taking advantage of their free offer. But that wouldn’t have explained all the talking.

Teddy put his paws over his ears.

“I cannae stand it no more C’appin,” he cried in a thick Scottish brogue.

“Calm down, they’re just talking,” Penguin said, trying to reassure the small bear.

“Arse to that,” said Teddy, “They’re up to something and I don’t like it, not one little bit.”

Thus the day out was cancelled indefinitely.

Incredible Sleep Technology Breakthrough at Sleep City

We present below a series of incredible claims and facts postulated by the good people at Sleep City, a metropolis dedicated to slumber and dozing comfort…

From mankind's beginning people have searched for better surfaces to provide better sleep. The history of sleep spans lying directly on the ground, to resting of leaves and grass, then sleeping of animal skins as benefits of man's hunting skills. As cultures became more stable, and people slept in one location, other materials were used as sleeping surfaces, including horse hair, corn shucks, cloth, or loose cotton. Two elements stayed the same: first, people continuously tried different materials or combinations for sleeping surfaces; and secondly all attempts were hand made.

Throughout history, innovations in sleeping surfaces have been many and varied. The one common reason was better comfort. Since the beginning, man realised that the more comfortably one slept, the better one would feel in general. For decades, Sleep City has been at the forefront in the design and manufacture of new, state-of-the-art sleeping systems. Today, we are still researching and developing new designs and new systems to achieve the ultimate in comfort and support… of such great concern to our customers…

Poor Poor Possum

Mr. and Mrs. Oaf were around at Mr. Oaf Snr’s holiday house cleaning up the garden. While going to the tool shed (cue ominous music)… Mrs. Oaf made a heart-breaking discovery. A Possum of our acquaintance had passed away on the floor of the shed.

Mr. Oaf was reminded of a similar tragedy some years before when a Possum from the roof cavity (a boisterous extended family of marsupials fond of fruit, olives and running about in the night) had fallen down the chimney and found itself stuck inside the holiday house. It ran about for some time, jumping up while trying to get back to its family it could no doubt hear calling its name from above, until it eventually died. Obviously sensing that its time was up, this possum crawled inside the back of the “vanity unit” in the bathroom, nestled itself up next to some packets of cotton wool, and then died.

Mr. Oaf’s mad Aunty Pop (whose name is a whole other story) lived next door to the holiday house. She called Mr. Oaf Snr. to report that she had seen “a woman” in the holiday house who had been going about inside “turning on lights”. Mr. Oaf Snr. drove from the 90 minutes from Sydney but instead of an itinerant woman dossing in the house, he found a dead possum in a drawer.

So it was with some sadness that Mr. and Mrs. Oaf found the possum in the tool shed. It was something of a mystery as to why the possum had got stuck in the tool shed as it would have been quite easy for it to get out. Unlike the possum that had got stuck in the house and had jumped up and down switching on lights and knocking over lamp shades, this possum was stretched out, its nose nestled between a sprinkler and an old gardening glove. There were no signs of struggle.

As Mr. Oaf buried the body under a tree he wondered if the possum had gone to the solitude of the tool shed to quietly pass away.

TEZNEZCO! Ruckus Over Coalition of The Confused

Teddy was aghast that DUK had a problem with the name “Coalition of The Confused”, the united forces of good who are lining up to dethrone The Princess from her top spot as Diaryland’s number one diary.

“As though DUK could come up with a better name!” he exclaimed.

“I’m not so sure this whole project is such a good idea in the long run,” said Penguin.

“How so?” asked Teddy.

“Well, making an attack on The Princess may have short term benefits, i.e. DUK will become the number one diary, but what about the long term? We haven’t really thought that through. Such a move might end up destabilizing all of Diaryland.”

“Oh arse,” said Teddy. “That’s ridiculous. We’ll move in and remake The Princess in our image and everyone will be happy and joyful and there will be dancing in the streets. And if they don’t want to dance in the streets, we’ll make them bloody dance.”

“So you intend on installing Dance Studios Du Dance in all the conquered diaries?”

“Hey,” said Teddy, “That’s our right. We’re going it alone, so why not reap the benefits of the lasting peace that will follow the Coalition of The Confused’s certain victory over a self-described ‘evil bitch’?”

“Look, this whole plan is bad for business,” Penguin stated.

“What are you? France?”

“What?” asked Penguin, obviously flabbergasted at this frankly tangential assertion.

“What have the French ever done? They’re just a bunch of croissant eating peasants?”

“You mean aside from saucy actresses, some of the world’s best cinema, great food and sweeties, the Eiffel Tower, modernism in the arts – architecture, painting, sculpture – haute couture, literature and theatre, indeed, the entire thrust of 20th century culture as we know it from La Belle Epoch lasting some sixty years, making Paris the centre of the cultural universe, until World War 2, philosophy from Descartes through to Jean Beaudrillard? You mean those French?”

“Uh,” Teddy said, “Well Nesbitt is all for it. We polled him earlier and he’s now 40 per cent in favour, 60 per cent against, but that number isn’t firm and could drop once hostilities commence.”

“Are you?” asked Penguin.

“I’m non-committal at this stage, but I could be swayed with the promise of a tax cut,” Nesbitt said.

“There,” said Teddy. “Public opinion is behind us. It’s going to be a quick and easy victory.”

bears in history - future bears

“This diary cracked me up, completely, perhaps the oddest diary I have ever read. I'm not sure if it's a takeoff on something or someone that I have somehow missed. Regardless, TEZNEZCO! chronicles the adventures of two bears and describe them as if they are a minority of some sort. The writing is disturbingly matter-of-fact as if it is perfectly normal to be writing about these bears as people. I like it; it's pleasantly novel" - Diaryreview

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