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The Thursday After Last - 1:10 p.m. Hovercraft Offer Looking at our junk mail we were stunned to discover a too-good-to-be-true offer, to wit, a fully operational, ex-military hovercraft. Not found in retail stores! they boast and immediately we’re excited. Parents, get your child a hovercraft! . How exciting it would be to have a hovercraft of your own – no more problems with the ground as you skim over it, cushioned by a layer of air, protected from the daily bump and grind of regular vehicular transport by the act of hovering. Ah, how sweet it would be… Fun and Educational - fun seems obvious to us but “educational”? What would you learn, in the long run, from a hovercraft than from say, a helicopter? Build and design your own Hovercraft in less than 1-hour! There may be a flaw in this offer after all, because it seems to us that a really good hovercraft would probably take more than an hour to design and build. Teddy claims to have a number of hovercraft designs “on file” and we could use one of his. That seems good, but what would we use to build it? Perhaps some old toilet rolls and sticky tape? The picture is very impressive – it looks a bit like a UFO, round with antennas and dishes – and it’s got a window from which the passenger may observe the passing landscape… Runs on land, water and ice! Shouldn’t that be “runs above land, water and ice”? Never mind, because it comes with everything you need. Teddy gently reminds Mr. Oaf of the offers of submarines he used to fantasise about. On the backs of selected comic books – way back in the olden days – there used to be offers of a fully operational two-man submarine complete with periscope and hatch. Mr. Oaf used to dream about getting one delivered from the USA and building and launching the submersible into the lagoon at Pearl Beach. How good would that have been, to cruise under the surface of the brackish water, watching holiday-makers under their beach umbrellas, unaware that just a few yards away was a scaled down Polaris sub? We might have even considered test firing a few torpedoes or ballistic missiles, you know, just as a “test”, like the North Koreans do these days… Mr. Oaf has to admit to Teddy that the whole Hovercraft offer is probably a scam and reluctantly hits the delete button. Mrs. Oaf Not Mental Drs Teddi and Nesbitt have tested Mrs. Oaf and have declared her “not mental”. It has been a close run thing. Consider the last 48 hours; she missed her flight to Brisbane; dropped and broke her lap top computer at Sydney Airport security; parked her car in a CLEARWAY and had it towed; got a parking ticket; broke the front door by jamming the key in the lock; unplugged the answering machine and then forgot to plug it back in. Obviously, any of these “incidents” on their own would not be enough to warrantthe charge of “mentalness” but Dr. Teddi (Professor of Mental Studies at the Universidad di Padua) notes that a “pattern” may be emerging. He advises a strict diet of peanuts and that she should be “observed” at all times. Pants or No Pants DUK claims that the Coalition of The Confused has a logo – a version of the much-vaunted but as yet unseen “NO PANTS” logo. We ask: Ruthy, where’s the dang logo, goddang it??? Staying Put At Diaryland Thanks to our main man and a guy who respects “our thing”, Made Again who votes that we stay put at Diaryland, so OK, we’re staying. We’d still like to hear from the Loco Prince and maybe even Wibah, Wastingspace and Weatherking - who we hardly ever hear from these days. Welcome Ramon The Stalker We know he’s out there and he’s reading the Diary, and just to prove that we’re not a “freak”, we may even stop using the plural pronoun one day. But don’t hold your breath. bears in history - future bears 
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