2003-06-03 - 12:44 p.m.

Auditions Continue Apace

Teddy is a hard task bear. We all know that. He demands the best because he is the best. His motto is “No time wasters”. He didn’t get to his position in contemporary theatre by accepting second best, try-hards with no experience and no visible talent.

As usual, Teddy turns up late, a latte in his paw and a fetching sky-blue jumper tied casually round his shoulders. As he arrives, minions bring him pastries and bottles of rare mountain spring water that cost $100 a bottle. He dines on cruskets with sun dried tomato and anchovies and a freshly “tossed” salad. Once the hubbub ceases, he claps his paws together in an imperious manner.

“Let us begin,” he calls out.

On stage a small bear with a big snout, a plaid jacket and huge ungainly feet comes out.

“What will you be reading for us today?” asks Teddy, already impatient.

“I will do the big scene from A Street Car Named Desire and I will be Stanley Kowolski…”

“Continue…” says Teddy with a wave.

“STELLA!” begins the bear.

“NEXT!” yells Teddy.

The small bear leave the stage with a dejected look on his face.

And so it goes through the whole day; bears in sailor’s uniforms, dressed up as “old time” grannies with wire rim spectacles, bears with sweaters that say things like “#1 DAD!” and so on.

It’s a heartbreaking, tiring job. Teddy and his theatre partner Nesbitt E. Nesbitt are currently looking for a bear. It’s a very demanding role that will last for many, many years.

The bear who wins the coveted spot will have to endure years (possibly decades) of hardship, work 24 hours a day, seven days a week, with no time off, no thankyous and the horrible and ever-present possibility of being abandoned in a sand pit, thrown out of a moving car or left on a seat in a cold, impersonal shopping centre.

That’s right – TEZNEZCO! (The Company Run By Bears™) is looking for an individual to become Tony and Tegan’s Baby’s Bear.

Please send resumes to the usual address including a glossy talent shot, a CV of your appearances (if any), engagements, and/or “summer stock” productions. NO Canadian Bears need apply…

Bernard Cohen: Big Round Head Part 2

We mentioned that Bernard has a big round head. Well, he’s been using it lately to read Mr. Oaf’s novella. He says he likes it. He says parts of it are “gorgeous” – but then he turns around and says that some of the dialogue is like “TV dialogue”. Mr. Oaf is naturally flabbergasted. What does he mean?

Mr. Oaf examined the passage in question and can’t work it out. It may be that the line, as it was intended for comedy purposes, may be a little broad. We present it here for your consideration:

Crowe spoke loudly and clearly to the audience in her best management voice.

“Thank you everyone for coming this afternoon, this meeting is now concluded.”

Sure, it’s clichéd, but that’s how people named Crowe talk. People in management talk like that, in clichés. Mr. Oaf kept thinking that if it were in Australian TV dialogue the above passage would read:

Crowe spoke loudly and clearly to the audience in her best management voice.

“I am a member of the management team and I would like to say ‘thank you everyone for coming this afternoon, this meeting is now concluded.’ – but I’m feeling betrayed by Tracey right now since she is sleeping with my ex-boyfriend.”

Maybe Bernard is practicing an artful double bluff. Mr. Oaf thought for ages that Bernard really liked the book and would help him get to the next stage (i.e. – get an agent) – but that was just pie-in-the-sky wishful thinking. Why would he? Mr. Oaf then sunk into a slough of despond for some weeks as he realised that no one does favours for anyone these days and he’d just have to make it all on his own – possibly by killing someone – or telling so many lies that it would be like killing himself…

But then Bernard started making all these cryptic, generalized comments such as “Some of the books in this class are certainly of a publishable quality” or “I’d be surprised if some of you didn’t get agents with these manuscripts…”

This naturally causes some dissension in the class. People look at each other and think – ‘well, he must be talking about my manuscript because (so-and-so)’s is shit…’

If you doubted Bernard, he then came out with “I wouldn’t be making these kinds of comments if I didn’t truly believe what I was saying.”

Frankly, it makes Mr. Oaf scared, and he woke up this morning in a cold sweat.

Late Breaking News

Bim has been put in charge of a new TEZNEZCO! department called Investigations. Its ambit is vague and its purpose obscure but so far it’s been a boon. Bim reports that there is a lot of fluff under the bed and he will prepare a special dossier for management’s consideration.

Teddy Backflips on Princess Pony

In a statement released yesterday Teddy made the following startling confession: “You may recall some time ago TEZNEZCO! aligned itself with DUK in the so-called Coalition of The Confused in multilateral action against the reign of Princess Pony. It has come to our attention that the information that we received at the time was deeply flawed and may mean that the Pony posed no immediate threat to the security at Diaryland. However, we acted in good faith at the time and even if we lied to you then, we’re telling you the truth now… so where’s the harm? Eh?”

bears in history - future bears

“This diary cracked me up, completely, perhaps the oddest diary I have ever read. I'm not sure if it's a takeoff on something or someone that I have somehow missed. Regardless, TEZNEZCO! chronicles the adventures of two bears and describe them as if they are a minority of some sort. The writing is disturbingly matter-of-fact as if it is perfectly normal to be writing about these bears as people. I like it; it's pleasantly novel" - Diaryreview

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