Thursday - 2:26 p.m.

Mail Room

We don’t know who this Ed Stan is but he keeps writing to us about our septic tank. He’s got some special way of dealing with bulk sewage that involves enzymes of some sort and it’s apparently 100% effective. First off, Ed, we don’t have a septic tank – we’ve been connected to what some people call "town water" for years. Second, we have our own methods of dealing effectively with these kinds of problems. Teddy is an expert in these…ahem… ‘areas’ and needs no advice from anonymous people sending us emails titled 100 Solve Septic Tank Problems.

It’s all in the name. Spammers have started using fake names that sort of sound like they might be real in the hope that you might actually know someone called Ed Stan. It’s all rather odd because, just by the sheer weight of probability, there is someone called Ed Stan who is "in sewage" (as they say – a bit like Tony Soprano) and who might (for whatever strange reason) send you a personal email concerning the state of your toilet water.

Mr. Oaf is obsessed with these names because they’re a bit like science-fiction names. Scottish SF writer bloke Iain M. Banks uses names like these in his books – Dziet Sma being a prime example. They sound sort of human, sort of real, so when they started turning up in the TEZNEZCO! junk mail folder, Mr. Oaf started thinking he was living in the future. He made a collection of these names: Moses Cervantes, Cheyenne Samuels, Thad Melins, Youg Sisofo, Stan Hoerenga, Sydney Cuch, Elwanda Mishra, Indira Cadlett, Michale Joern, Norine Sprigg – and many, many more. Our favourite is Lawrence Topia.

They sound familiar don’t they? They look like they’re the result of a monoculture – a worldwide mish mash of races, religions and cultures – Welsh-Indian-Norwegian computer programers, Aboriginal-Japanese-Portuguese flight attendants, Iranian-Dutch-Brazilian authors. That’s the future right there – you’ll have three names, mixed parentage and speak like a Singaporean Chinese person with an American accent, swan about in beautifully designed shopping malls and chat about the discovery of alternate universes while sipping on a double-decaf mocha at Gloria Jean’s.

Speaking of Parents…

We’ve known for some time that HollyTheLiar’s mother reads these pages, the very lovely Dr. Sue Doh!. But we were surprised to discover via the magic of the Guestbook that Jean Bug’s mother is also a visitor to the TEZNEZCO! pages. Jean wrote to us insisting that we update more often because her mother is a lurker here. We promise to do what we can. Anyway, welcome to Jean’s Mom!

Mad Fish bay Is The Name of A Wine

Meantime, we recently discovered that someone (or thing) called Dorkyfish linked to us many months ago. We’re not sure how that one passed us by, and perhaps we did notice it and forget to make a note of it, either way, Dorkyfish links to us with only the cryptic "HA!" as an explanation of why he she or it like us… But as we’ve said many times over, we like people who like us, no matter how mad, insane or downright frightening they are! Welcome then to Dorkyfish…

Artists… what’s the deal?

Mr. Oaf goes to see Teddy in his professional consulting rooms. He has a lot of complaints, mainly to do with the fact that everything that was looking good six months ago (voice on radio, face maybe on TV, name on book) is starting to look bad (voice on radio but no one knows, face on TV but no one can see it, name on manuscript and that’s all).

Teddy reminds Mr. Oaf of his famous FIVE YEAR PLAN. Like the old Soviet system of saying "in five years we will build one million tractors" or "in five years we will double the potato harvest", Mr. Oaf used to make a plan and stick to it. He would say, in five years I will have done so and so, and somehow he would. But these days it seems as thought the FIVE YEAR PLANs aren’t working.

"These are temporary setbacks," advises Dr. Teddy (Professor of Psychiatric Psychology at the Universidad di Padua). "You are feeling frustrated because you need to apply more effort to achieving the plan."

"But the Soviet system has long collapsed, leaving nothing but Russian gangsters, pretend lesbian singing duos and a deeply ironic attitude," cries Mr. Oaf.

"Pfft," says Teddy, waving a paw, "this all just a part of growing old."

"But what of the artistic temperament, how can it be fed and watered?"

"Speak to me no more of this artistic temperament – artists are just people with an inflated sense of expectation…"

Too true. Teddy is in this, as in many things, perfectly correct.

bears in history - future bears

“This diary cracked me up, completely, perhaps the oddest diary I have ever read. I'm not sure if it's a takeoff on something or someone that I have somehow missed. Regardless, TEZNEZCO! chronicles the adventures of two bears and describe them as if they are a minority of some sort. The writing is disturbingly matter-of-fact as if it is perfectly normal to be writing about these bears as people. I like it; it's pleasantly novel" - Diaryreview

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