Toisday - 1:02 p.m.

Richard Returns

Mr. Oaf was walking down to the Convenience Store on a cold morning.

The store is overpriced and doesn’t have anything you would want (except if it’s late at night, you’re off your head or you’re desperate for a can of Red Bull). The shop used to be a boutique mobile phone shop when mobile phones first started getting ‘designer ‘(when Nokia did that crazy colour scheme thing for their phones). Naturally, the shop failed and now it’s a late night store, but for some reason the previous owners decided that it would be a good idea to pay someone to make a mosaic floor with images of mobile phones rendered in small tiles and coloured grout.

Anyway, Mr. Oaf was half way down the street on a mission to buy some coffee when who should come walking up the street but Richard. You may remember Richard from a diary entry last year where he and Mr. Oaf sat outside Morgan’s in Kings Cross and tried to find art world celebrities (It was when Mr. Oaf had a deep and worrying Bruce James complex…). They didn’t find any celebrities at the time but Richard is the font of great art world gossip.

The problem is that Richard comes from an older generation of art world types who are now in their 50s and as such, Mr. Oaf only understands about ten per cent of what he says. Richard, true to form, told Mr. Oaf some stupendous gossip about people he had no idea about, to wit; "I was at Michael Reid’s house and I was talking to Jenny Scott and she introduced me to this guy from New York who was making a TV show about auctions called "You’re In It" – he’d just come from Paris where he was trying to secure rights to coverage of the Andre Breton sale – it seems Teeny Duchamp or someone – actually, I think it was Breton’s daughter by his first wife – had got in contact… Anyway, Jenny introduced me to this guy and we swapped business cards – and did you see Jenny’s article in Australian Art Collector called "My First Time"? I mean, how OUTRAGEOUS…"

Etc and on and on. Mr. Oaf had no idea what he was talking about but it was delivered with such gusto that he was fascinated. It was like being in Andy Warhol’s diaries or maybe a page out of Exposures.

Film Festival Adjudged Bear Lite

Quite frankly, it’s been pitiful. There was a huge bear and bear’s arse in a film called Spellbound (not the Hitchcock one) and a few spottings elsewhere in various films – disturbingly there was a huge plethora of bears in a scene featuring a Crack Baby - and one seen lurking in the background in an Argentinian film about pregnancy testing. But, overall, it was arse. And we mean that in a bad way.

Teddy on a motorised Skateboard

Mr. Oaf had a dream where he and Mrs. Oaf were in England on a holiday (just as they will be in reality in a couple of months). In this dream they were in Cambridge by the river and were surprised to see Teddy sail past on a motorised (and probably amphibious) skateboard.

A man standing by the river said in a broad West Country accent "That there bear is sailing down the river!". Mrs. Oaf assured him that that was completely normal and then began to tell the man the incredible but true story of how Teddy travelled all over England on his skateboard.

In Mr. Oaf’s mind’s eye, he could see Teddy going on this journey. Which, aside from being a dream, is pretty weird because it was a vision within a dream. The next thing you know Mr. Oaf will wake up and discover that Zion is an illusion as well and that it’s just another extension of the Matrix. Aieeeeee!

It Was Steve Who Did It

John was investigating the murder of Vanessa. If you can't be bothered to read to the end, we can exclusively reveal it was Steve who did it. He did it because Vanessa was mean to him, forced him to stop going to art class (because Vanessa couldn't see the value in it) and was generally unpleasant. Steve showed remorse at killing Vanessa, but John - who was Steve's friend and could see that he honestly meant what he was saying (or did he? he pretended to be upset at Vanessa's funeral - so maybe it was all a bluff!) - but he decided that justice must be served and turned Steve into the police, to a certain Detective Corelli (whose name is just a coincidence and didn't serve in the Italian army or fall in love with Penelope Cruz (who is Spanish and not Greek))...

bears in history - future bears

“This diary cracked me up, completely, perhaps the oddest diary I have ever read. I'm not sure if it's a takeoff on something or someone that I have somehow missed. Regardless, TEZNEZCO! chronicles the adventures of two bears and describe them as if they are a minority of some sort. The writing is disturbingly matter-of-fact as if it is perfectly normal to be writing about these bears as people. I like it; it's pleasantly novel" - Diaryreview

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