Wednesday - 11:23 a.m.

Lack O’ Gas

You know how they say a watched kettle never boils? It’s particularly true if there’s no gas. Teddy was standing next to the stove waiting for the coffee maker to do it percolating thing when it became apparent there was no gas.

“There’s no gas here,” Teddy called out to no one in particular.

“That seems unlikely,” said Nesbitt entering the room on a skateboard, “Considering how much gas there is about in these parts”.

“Yes, yes, very funny,” Teddy sighed. “How amusing. How terribly amusing.”

Nesbitt continued to skate around the kitchen.

“Will you please stop that,” said Teddy. “What are you supposed to be? A work of art.”

“Maybe... maybe I am.”

Corn

“I see corn out there,” Teddy called out to no one in particular.

“I beg your pardon?” asked Mr. Oaf.

“There,” the small bear pointed at the roof next door. “What do you make of that?”

In the guttering of the next door holiday house was huge corn stalk waving majestically in the breeze.

Mr. Oaf explained; “Some months ago – in summer – when we were feeding the birds – we were throwing seeds on the roof of the house next door. It is only a slightly inclined roof with a very gentle slope. The theory was that we would throw the seeds onto the roof where the kernels would attract bird life. We could enjoy the birds from a respectful distance, allowing bird, bear and human to intermingle without fear of an ‘incident’”.

“It didn’t work, did it?” asked Teddy.

“No, and what in fact happened was that, when said seeds were thrown on said roof, the seeds rolled down the roof into the gutter where they sat for some months waiting the rainy season.”

“What rainy season?”

“Oh, you know, when it rains,” explained Mr. Oaf.

“Then what?”

“Well, the rain came, the seeds sprouted and now we have a corn field in the gutter of the roof next door.”

Teddy looked perplexed.

“What’s wrong?”

“I want a cup of coffee,” he said, grumpy.

Sheep Dog Trials

It seems that Boswell is trying to figure out what he’s worth. It has something to do with the fact that, since he’s in advertising he can ask, and get, whatever his heart desires. But what does he want? Sadly, he doesn’t know.

Teddy suggests the following method. “Get some sheep dogs – say about six dogs - and have them sit in a circle. Stand in the middle of the circle and whistle to each dog in turn. Stand perfectly still until the dog is nearly upon you, then LEAP over it. DO NOT let the dog touch you – otherwise you are disqualified. As you leap over each dog, have a friend – say a small bear – measure the distance of the leap. That is a clear indication of your worth.”

Mr. Oaf was confused.

“But how does that measure Boswell’s worth?”

“It’s a kind of gradient,” explained Teddy. “At one end of the measure, it’s smaller, and then it goes up in even increments indicating a progression of some kind until you get to the other end, where you get paid a lot of dosh.”

“How ingenious.”

His Name Is Buckley

And that’s the truth.

bears in history - future bears

“This diary cracked me up, completely, perhaps the oddest diary I have ever read. I'm not sure if it's a takeoff on something or someone that I have somehow missed. Regardless, TEZNEZCO! chronicles the adventures of two bears and describe them as if they are a minority of some sort. The writing is disturbingly matter-of-fact as if it is perfectly normal to be writing about these bears as people. I like it; it's pleasantly novel" - Diaryreview

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