Thingday - Tick tock

Don’t Sign Papers

When Mr. Oaf had his wisdom teeth (plus two others) removed, the nurses at the day surgery said, ‘don’t sign any important papers’. Because the effects of the anaesthetic were such that Mr. Oaf became a pliable and willing tool of anyone with a strong opinion, he was to be kept away from heavy machinery, driving and small bears with a sheaf of papers with lots of those little yellow SIGNATURE HERE stickers.

Mr. Oaf dutifully ignored Teddy’s advice that real estate in Florida was up for grabs, Nesbitt’s admonitions to invest his meager savings in low interest earning debentures that, after six months, could be converted into “something” and Buster’s plea for help with his theatre troupe.

So it was something of a surprise to discover that the danger came not from TEZNEZCO! (The Company Run By Bears™) but from Mrs. Oaf. Her ‘evil plan’ was deceptively simple. First was the fish pie, jelly and ice cream that lulled Mr. Oaf into a false sense of security. Then it was the innocent phone calls in the day that ‘suggested’ Mr. Oaf do odd jobs around the home. Finally – and this is the really ignominious part – he found himself putting together IKEA furniture with a happy grin on his face and a tuneless hum on his lips.

And by what miracle has this sad and lamentable state of affairs come about? Why yes, it’s the miracle effects of a new wonder drug and its constituent part CODEINE. It makes you pliable, weak as a kitten and open to suggestion. No wonder they call it the “truth drug”. Mr. Oaf finds himself wandering the streets just like back in the “bad old days”, talking to shop assistants in overly familiar terms, becoming unaccountably sentimental regarding balls of wool and hysterically overcome by the news of the death of Bob Hope.

Photos

What sort of photos would we have if we could have photos on this page? Certainly, there would be photos of Teddy and the others. Of course. But there’d also be the photo Jack Brabham, the racing car driver, where he’s being congratulated by Teddy on his winning the Bathurst 500, and the accompanying photo of Stirling Moss getting a comforting paw on the shoulder in consolation of losing yet again. There’d be the photo of Teddy with Azuma Nelson, the super bantamweight crown holder who decked the frankly scary Jeff Fenech. Then there’d be the occasional photos of Teddy with various famous personages he’s met over the years; Mikhail Gorbachev, Axl Rose and Slash, Frank Sinatra, Gough Whitlam and Richard Wilkins (what a party that was!!!). There would be no mention of course of a certain set of twins who are just everywhere these day and since we put them on the road to stardom where’s the kudos? Indeed! WHERE’S THE KUDOS???

Mary-Kate and Ashley

The truth of the matter is that Teddy met the Olsen Twins way back during the Pretentious Pony saga that constant readers of this page will no doubt recall. Well, back in those days the Twins were very young and not scary and they had asked the bear for a few pointers on fame. Teddy sent them an autographed copy of his book Teddy’s 101 TipTop Tips: How To Get Ahead In Show Biz Even If You’re A Satanic Twin and then promptly forgot about them. While recently perusing the bear related section of the local newsagent, Teddy was aghast to come across a magazine called Mary Kate and Ashley. Putting it from his mind he went to the video shop to borrow a copy of Cool Hand Luke where he discovered that the twins have no fewer than seven feature films available on DVD. To top it off, their TV program is being advertised on FOX 8 with a saturation campaign that features the impish duo in all their royal freakiness. Scanning the credits at the end of the show Teddy discovered that the girls had not mentioned his advice and, indeed, his very existence. He was livid.

And What Sort of Magazines Did You See At The Newsagent?

There was Australian Bear, a glossy monthly lifestyle magazine featuring the latest styles for bears and bear fanciers, regular features including DVD reviews by, for and about bears, fashion spreads featuring evening gowns designed by bears and a special supplement on top hats; then there was Teddy Bear and Doll Gazette, a far more learned journal with interesting features on bears and their to-doings in the world of contemporary philosophical discourse, with special reference to Keikergard; there was also the stunningly designed and executed Bears Today,a coffee table style publication that was big on photos but had little text and which was perfect for contemporary bears on the run.

bears in history - future bears

“This diary cracked me up, completely, perhaps the oddest diary I have ever read. I'm not sure if it's a takeoff on something or someone that I have somehow missed. Regardless, TEZNEZCO! chronicles the adventures of two bears and describe them as if they are a minority of some sort. The writing is disturbingly matter-of-fact as if it is perfectly normal to be writing about these bears as people. I like it; it's pleasantly novel" - Diaryreview

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