Munners - 6:43 p.m.

Is It Safe?

“Is it safe?” asked Nesbitt.

“What?” said Teddy

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you,” Nesbitt stated.

Teddy took off his gas mask.

“Take off your gas mask,” Teddy said, gesticulating wildly at the small bear.

Nesbitt took off his mask.

“What did you say?”

“I said…” Teddy said taking a deep breath, “‘What did you say?’”

“I said, ‘Is it safe?’”

Teddy opened the bedroom door slowly, gingerly sniffed the air while he checked the hallway. The house was quiet and there was no one around.

“So it seems,” said Teddy. “That was an absolute disgrace!”

“Indeed,” agreed Nesbitt.

There was a rustling from under the bedclothes and Bim appeared presently with a peg on his nose.

“That dog’s arshhh is a forsh of nature,” he said in his thick Dutch accent.

“Indeed,” agreed Teddy, “ I have seen some appalling arse action in my time but Puppy’s explosive boffing and absolutely shocking explosive diarrhea is something I have no wish to ever experience again.”

Nesbitt suddenly went pale.

“Please,” he said, holding up a paw, “I’d really rather that we didn’t discuss it again. The thought of it is making me feel quite… queasy.”

How Apt

After Puppy’s visit to TEZNEZCO! (The Company Run By Bears®) it was strangely appropriate that last night’s TV movie should have been the aptly named Turbulance. Featuring Ray Liotta in the role of a psycho killer, it dates from a time when crazy people crashing airliners into the ground was all just in the name of good fun and rollicking adventure. How innocent and sweet it seemed. Then there was the case of the Bear In The Red Jumper. It wasn’t one of those shots in a movie where there’s a bear in the background, trying to get in frame or riding around in the arms of a child with a “look at me” scowl on it’s mug, oh no, this movie has several front and centre shots of a Bear In The Red Jumper sitting on it’s own, defying the homicidal urges of Ray Liotta with nothing more than its wiles and a couple of paws to defend itself. The dénouement of the story featured the Bear In The Red Jumper tumbling free-fall through the cabin to knock out Ray Liotta and guide the stricken 747 to a safe if slightly… windy… landing.

They made a sequel to the film called, imaginatively enough, Turbulence 2: Bear In The Red Jumper but neither the original bear nor Ray Liotta agreed to appear in it and it was adjudged “bear-lite” by a panel of international cinema experts.

Speaking of Bears On Airliners…

Mr and Mrs. Oaf saw Kate and her close personal friend Dudley Q. Jenkins Esq. off from the airport on Sunday morning. Poor Duddles was confined to the rather crowded and uncomfortable insides of Kate’s handbag (prompting Teddy to do his famous “a handbag!” routine from The Importance of Being Earnest and prompting, in turn, Mr. Oaf to have one of his but Million dollar ideas.

Hanging around with Puppy’s owners Susan and John is a humbling experience. They’re always talking about ways of making money with schemes that sound downright plausible and awe inspiring. Mr. Oaf, meanwhile, is not that good at coming up with such ideas and pins his hopes on future wealth on TEZNEZCO!.

Then he came up with this corker: why not introduce a new airline seating section aboard planes called Plush Class where bears, dogs, perhaps even the odd duck, could spend their time aboard international flights? It would be small enough to build in an overhead locker and have special beds, TV screen and seating, air steward service and a bar. Mr. Oaf was taken away with the idea and pitched to a frankly skeptical Mrs. Oaf. Although initially receptive to the concept, she started to point out so called “problems”. The most obvious and glaring was the way bears always want to have a go flying the airplane. Once, when travelling to London via Manila, Teddy took control of the Airbus and there was what authorities later called “an incident” over China. By the time Mr. Oaf started proposing that what was needed was a fake, bear-scaled flight deck, it seemed that the idea simply wasn’t plausible. So much for the “million dollar idea”.

bears in history - future bears

“This diary cracked me up, completely, perhaps the oddest diary I have ever read. I'm not sure if it's a takeoff on something or someone that I have somehow missed. Regardless, TEZNEZCO! chronicles the adventures of two bears and describe them as if they are a minority of some sort. The writing is disturbingly matter-of-fact as if it is perfectly normal to be writing about these bears as people. I like it; it's pleasantly novel" - Diaryreview

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