Wednesday - 12:42 p.m.

Someone Sent Holly ‘Something’

Like, sure they did, sure… HollyBolly sent us these ‘lyrics’ that ‘someone’ sent her that go with ‘some song’ that ‘someone’ ‘wrote’. To be frank, it all seems a little suspicious and the authorship of these so-called lyrics may well be the scribblings of an ‘individual’ very close to home.

The beginning of the song is just your standard “complaint rock” where the person singing whines that being in love is a cliché and then goes on to dismiss Rogers and Hart, which is simply outrageous. The singer also makes disparaging remarks about chocolate cake and the stars, all of which leads us to believe they’ve either never eaten cake, looked at the stars or, indeed, actually been in love, or this whole thing is just a smokescreen for some other purpose.

Now, let’s examine the second to last verse

Love you obviously

Like you really care

Even though you treat me

Like a dancing bear

We ask: what’s wrong with being treated like a dancing bear? Teddy’s Dance Studio Du Dance has been an enormous success. Among it’s most notable graduates have been TaTU, Angelina Ballerina*, Gregory Hines(RIP) and Björk - people and groups that we all know can (or could) dance up a storm.

The person is complaining that he or she “loves you obviously” but that “you” – or the person to whom the song is addressed – doesn’t really care – “even though” you, he, she or it treats said person “like a dancing bear”. This is a somewhat confusing sentiment, as it seems to be saying that although they love obviously, they are being treated well. Perhaps the person is complaining that they don’t want to be loved? The modern world… Confusing, non?

Now let’s examine the last verse:

Toss your bear a goldfish

As he cycles by

Don't forget to feed your

Bear or it'll die

The two lines offer some decent advice for a pop song, as tossing a bear a goldfish is absurd, dangerous and can lead to accidents. Although the bear may be highly adept at unicycles, bicycles and tricycles, a tossed goldfish at the wrong moment can lead to disaster.

The last two lines seem obvious enough: “don’t forget to feed your bear or it’ll die”. Putting aside the fact that bears can feed themselves and have no need of goldfish, or in fact belong in the legal sense to anyone but themselves, there is perhaps a metaphorical angle to this verse that is missing on first examination… It may be that this verse is saying that you should give your bear presents, gifts or sweets whenever possible because although he may be in fighting trim, he may die without the requisite amount of attention. This seems far more likely.

So why doesn’t the song just come out and say these things instead of just hiding behind cynical obfuscation? It seems that the author of this song has something to hide and, indeed, something to gain, to wit, sweeties, gifts and presents. We ask, who would have the motive, the means and opportunity to write such a song, disseminate it on the internet and then accept presents, gifts and sweeties without complaint?

Teddy could not be reached for comment.

* Angelina Ballerina is Teddy’s arch enemy. Although the individual in question was a graduate of TDSDD, we do not recognise said mouse’s dancing or detective skills.

bears in history - future bears

“This diary cracked me up, completely, perhaps the oddest diary I have ever read. I'm not sure if it's a takeoff on something or someone that I have somehow missed. Regardless, TEZNEZCO! chronicles the adventures of two bears and describe them as if they are a minority of some sort. The writing is disturbingly matter-of-fact as if it is perfectly normal to be writing about these bears as people. I like it; it's pleasantly novel" - Diaryreview

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