Bingo - 1:05 p.m.

There Aren’t Enough Widgets On This Page

Some people like to decorate their pages with lots of irregular shaped boxes that link to things. Some other people like quizzes and guessing competitions and like to rate certain bears according to whether they are hot or not. Some “folks” (as George Bush would say) like to get tattoos, paint the sides of their panel vans with pictures of big breasted women and heavily muscled guys hoisting absurdly engorged metaphors. We say, “good luck to them”. It’s a free Diaryland and you can do what you like. Take a good look at Squirrel X, her page is a blizzard of widgets and signs and rings and what not and it looks a sight. Our good friend DUK has a wonderful page that’s been very well designed and it’s very attractive. We say, “good on ‘em and nice goin”.

If there was someone who liked The High Llamas enough to start a diary ring called Llamas Are People Too we’d join it. Ditto a J. G. Ballard diary ring called Drowned World. How about a diary ring for people whose best friend is a Little Pied Cormorant? Or how about a YIPPIE ring where we all try to levitate the Pentagon?

We’re joiners, not leaders. We’re like The Italian Army - good in theory but lousy in practice, lovers not fighters, loafers not activists. We can’t even be bothered to be flaneurs, we just sit around eating cake all day long…

And that’s just because we can.

Teddy Picks Fight With Edmund White

Edmund White walks past, on his way to the patisserie.

“Hé blanc d'Edmund, vous sentez!", yells Teddy from a bench in the Luxembourg Gardens.

(Hey Edmund White you smell!)

“Me parlez-vous?” replies White, looking shocked.

(Are you talking to me?)

“Faites-vous une autre promenade?” asks Teddy, menacingly.

(Are you going for another walk?)

“Pourquoi oui, je rassemble l'information pour mon prochain livre.”

(Why yes, I am researching material for my next book)

“Prenez que vous configuration inexcusable environ!” Teddy yells, attacking Edmund with a croissant.

(Take that you inexcusable layabout!)

Subtitles By SBS

Perhaps If We Were Darker

We might get more respect if we lay open our hearts to public scrutiny...

Dear Diary, My heart breaks every time I look at him and I know that he doesn’t truly understand me. We meet every week and yet he looks right through me and sneers. My friends say I should just give up, stop torturing myslef over and over and yet I know this pain is the force that keeps me alive. “Why do it to yourself?” my mother asks over the phone, "you’ll just end up back on 'pills'". Damn the pills mother, I need to know I’m alive although sometimes I wish I was dead. Deep down he truly loves me. He asks me questions that don’t seem to have answers and when I say I don’t know, he gives me "choices" that I have to make. As if I don’t already have enough choices. I say I don’t know what he wants from me and he gets crazy. “Phone your damn freinds”, he says and so I call them up and they can’t give me the advice I need in 30 seconds like I know they should and he’s all “Forget your friends, they can’t help you now! Your constant equivication leads me to believe you are hedging your bets!” We have been so close, but now he is cold and distant. So hard. Perhaps if he’d just let me go fifty-fifty? Oh Eddie Maguire how will I ever become a millionaire now???? ”

Teddy Has Plans To Install Pipes

The way things work around here is if Teddy needs to give an order to, say, Nesbitt, he just yells from one side of the office to another. He might stand at the top of the stairs and use the stairwell as a means of amplifying his voice. He might write down his instructions on a piece of paper, fold that piece of paper into an airplane and shoot it out the office window.

As you can imagine, it’s all a bit haphazard.

Last night while watching The Cruel Sea on DVD, Teddy was impressed by the Royal Navy’s use of pipes to relay messages such as “hard to starboard” or “full ahead”. Not only were the orders such that Teddy could imagine himself giving them on a daily basis, they were also relayed in a timely manner, a small voice emerging out the other end of a very long tube.

We have thus begun the installation of pipes around the office and will report their success in future editions.

bears in history - future bears

“This diary cracked me up, completely, perhaps the oddest diary I have ever read. I'm not sure if it's a takeoff on something or someone that I have somehow missed. Regardless, TEZNEZCO! chronicles the adventures of two bears and describe them as if they are a minority of some sort. The writing is disturbingly matter-of-fact as if it is perfectly normal to be writing about these bears as people. I like it; it's pleasantly novel" - Diaryreview

DiaryReview