Today - 4:10 p.m.

Things That Were Seen By The Side of The Road

Mr. Oaf went for long bike rides through the picturesque Lincolnshire countryside with Mike Shea, the father of Mrs. Oaf. The roads are flat and even and follow the slight hills and rivers and sandy pits, cut through little villages and edge next to working farms. Although there are a lot of animals – Mr. Oaf saw the biggest pig in the world the other day (so big you could rent it out for pony rides), he has been looking for England’s elusive wildlife.

Unfortunately the only wild life is road kill, and that’s not life as we know it.

A partial list of squashed animals:

Rabbits: babies, adults, parts of tails

Hedgehogs

Pheasants; tails, bodies, wings, feathers

Squirrels; entire carcases

Luckily, there were live animals as well and aside from the aforementioned squirrels, Mr. Oaf saw what the English refer to as a “magpie” – a large, puffed-up creature that looks more like a penguin on the make than an actual bird. There we also some fine looking horses and ponies and the occassional black lamb.

“Ah, ponies!” you are saying… "So what of Nesbitt and his insane demands for ponies?"

Nesbitt With Bigger Fish To Fry

You already know that Nesbitt is a DJ and that he mixes and cuts with the best of them. His “roll backs” and “cut ins” are legendary. Although the small bear had come to England strictly as an observer and had no intentions of “plying his trade” (so to speak) he was asked at the 11th hour to do a set at Peter and Abigail’s wedding. Rummaging through his CDs he put together a set and once the speeches at the wedding were over, he was on.

With Mr. Oaf’s help, Nesbitt laid down some mellow drum and bass tracks, expecting a big reception from the home of “jungle”. Incredibly, all the old ladies and relatives of the bride and groom just sat there chatting, not a single bum getting up to dance. Changing tack, Nesbitt went into some faux-Lounge of the DJ Dimitri From Paris stylee, a few heads were nodding but it still wasn’t happening. A small child of about 9 came up to the booth and asked for “r&b”. Nesbitt was flummoxed, so he put on some Fatboy Slim and ate a piece of cake. Throwing caution to the proverbial wind, he decided to throw whatever came into his tiny mind and gave the crowd what he thought they wanted, namely, ELO’s “Don’t Bring me Down”. Although the small children who were picketing the booth were demadning Brittney, some adults walked around the dance floor and looked like they might even start dancing. Nesbitt was then accosted by a very aggressive man who demanded “commercial music”. Instead Nesbitt threw caution to the wind and played The Congo’s “Fisherman” and then a set of reggae greats, and a few pop hits like “Clint Eastwood” by Gorillaz. The small bear was going around and around and around on the turntable. There were at least 5 children dancing and perhaps twice as many adults. Not even the sight of a man wearing burberry pants could dent an otherwise excellent end to a ramshackle set.

Afterwards, Nesbitt was surrounded by well wishers and some London DJ Kids who asked if he could please come to a pub in Eutson and play the next day. He was also asked if he was the same bear who played at a club in Chalk Farm. Alas, Nesbitt was jetting to the South of France and couldn’t keep the appointments but thaked the crowd and then exited on a small pony.

bears in history - future bears

“This diary cracked me up, completely, perhaps the oddest diary I have ever read. I'm not sure if it's a takeoff on something or someone that I have somehow missed. Regardless, TEZNEZCO! chronicles the adventures of two bears and describe them as if they are a minority of some sort. The writing is disturbingly matter-of-fact as if it is perfectly normal to be writing about these bears as people. I like it; it's pleasantly novel" - Diaryreview

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