Lassie - 11:23 a.m.

We Fear Bugs

“We have no fear of bugs,” Teddy explained. “It’s company policy. We have a live and let live attitude to most creatures.”

“Hmm,” said Zoltan The Bug Man, “I think perhaps you should care.”

“How so?” asked Teddy.

Zoltan waved his spray can at the eves.

“You see those? They’re Black House Spiders. They’re harmless. But do you know what eats a Black House Spider?”

Teddy shook his head.

“The White Tailed Spider eats ‘em and you don’t want to get bitten by one of those…”

Before Teddy could ask the next question, Zoltan was already answering it.

“The venom of the White tailed Spider has a necrotising effect – the venom gets into your skin and eats away at the flesh….”

Zoltan demonstrated the seeping effect of the poison with his hand, a little fluttering motion with his fingers, up his arm, past his elbow and towards his shoulder.

“Nasty,” he continued. “It’s worse than staph infection. Can’t be treated. You’ll end up getting your arm or leg amputated.”

“Get rid of the spiders,” Teddy said shuddering.

Feeding Frenzy

Once Zoltan had sprayed the outside of the office, all hell broke loose: spiders dropped from their webs under the eves onto the balconies and cockroaches staggered out from under pot plants to die in full view of local bird life. The birds – a full contingent of Noisy Miners, Kookaburras and Crested Pigeons - began dive bombing the house, picking up tasty morsels, pecking them from the sides of the building as they tried to crawl away and were sitting on the balcony rail waiting for a bug to show itself.

Zoltan assured us that the birds were perfectly safe to eat the bugs as the toxicity of the poison was calculated on weight of the intended victim – so a bird would have to eat a spider or roach the size of a “mouse or half a rat” before it would even begin to feel any effect. A spider the size of a mouse? We’d like to see that, we thought.

Very Very Very Large Spider

Mr. Oaf was sitting at his computer, typing up Teddy’s manuscript when he noticed a strange mist drifting across the tree tops. He looked out the window and saw that the mist was coming from across the ocean, creeping inland. At first he thought it might have been smoke, what with all the back burning that’s been happening prior to the Christmas period, but there was no tell-tale smell and the whole of Pearl Beach was eerily silent. Then a shadow moved across the window, and then…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

bears in history - future bears

“This diary cracked me up, completely, perhaps the oddest diary I have ever read. I'm not sure if it's a takeoff on something or someone that I have somehow missed. Regardless, TEZNEZCO! chronicles the adventures of two bears and describe them as if they are a minority of some sort. The writing is disturbingly matter-of-fact as if it is perfectly normal to be writing about these bears as people. I like it; it's pleasantly novel" - Diaryreview

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