Mr. Ed - 2:05 p.m.

But What of Nesbitt?

That’s what Mr. Oaf says as sweeps the offices of TEZNEZCO! (The Company Run By Bears! ™)… All day, every day, it’s Teddy Teddy Teddy everywhere, all the time, forever, now… There is a faint crackling in the PA system, a pop and then the dulcet tones of the bear announcing that “as of midday, sliced ham will be half price in the commissary”.

“But what of Nesbitt?” asks Mr. Oaf as he looks up from his broom. The halls and corridors of TEZNEZCO! are long and cold and the sound of Teddy’s departing “That is all” reverberates through the labs and the garages of the corporation’s palatial underground headquarters.

So What About Him?

Much to everyone’s surprise Nesbitt announced the other day that he wants to be a bride. He’s been humming the bridal waltz incessantly and practicing his bridal walk down the aisle. Teddy tried to get to the bottom of this whole “I want to be a bride” nonsense but found Nesbitt even more uncommunicative than usual.

Mr. Oaf speculated that it might have had something to do with Aunty Beryl.

It was on the occasion of Mr. and Mrs. Oaf leaving Australia to go to England to get married and there was a shindig at the Castle Hill RSL – a club with poker machines, alcohol and fried food dedicated to the memory of soldiers, sailors and airmen killed in various wars. Members of the extended Oaf family – some of them not having ventured from their suburbs for decades – were sat about the table chit chatting and swapping gossip about people who had been dead since 1980.

Mr. Oaf’s Aunty Beryl, appropo of absolutely nothing, leant across the dinner table to Mrs. Oaf and enquired, “Are you going to be a bride dear?”

Mrs. Oaf was confused by the question and given the nature of the get-together – a farewell to the soon-to-be-married couple – thought it was very obvious.

“Yes,” she said. “We’re getting married.”

Aunty Beryl was having none of it.

“Yes dear, but are you going to be a bride

Mrs. Oaf was confused and looked to Mr. Oaf for help. After a few moments of confusion, Mr. Oaf realised that what Aunty Beryl was talking about was the whole, big-dress-bridal-shower-lace-hankies-stuffed-up-the-sleeve-no-sex-before-marriage-style-brides-of-yore-that-would-be-more-at home-in-the-Confederate-South-than-in-modern-day-suburban-Australia-type-bride…

“Umm”, said Mr. Oaf, and the moment passed with Aunty Beryl making some caustic remark about the fact that Mrs. Oaf wouldn’t be wearing white, of course…

Nesbitt Resplendent

The thought of Nesbitt all dolled up in a bridal gown and going down the aisle was hard to take.

“Who are you getting married to? A Stick?” asked Teddy.

“I’m not marrying anyone or anything… I’m simply going to be a bride,” Nesbitt replied.

“You can’t be a bride if you’re not going to get married, you have to get married, so you must be marrying something… a stick, or a goldfish...”

“That’s ridiculous,” Nesbitt replied evenly. “There’s no reason I can’t go about as a bride if I want to. I don’t want to discuss this matter any further.”

Nesbitt began practicing throwing his wedding bouquet to and fro. Teddy was quite cross.

“Look, this is simply ridiculous, you’re a bear, and you can’t be a ‘bride’. It’s simply not feasible.”

“I can do whatever I like.”

“But…”

“No you look,” said Nesbitt pointing an accusatory paw at Teddy. “What have you done lately? You’re just resting on your laurels. We haven’t had a decent theory from you in ages! Months! Years!”

Teddy Despondent

The more the small bear thought about Nesbitt’s hasty words, the more he took them to heart. What had he done over the last few months? Sure, laurels were for resting on, and that’s what he had been doing, but it was true: he hadn’t had a new idea, theory or business venture in weeks, perhaps even the months the newly betrothed Nesbitt had suggested.

There had been a dabbling with the idea of launching a new fragrance, but that was just normal practice around the office, nothing that very special. But Teddy began to wonder that perhaps he shouldn’t bottle all the free-flowing odor into an attractive package and sell it a hefty profit. Kind of like CK1 or Creed but more like T1. He thought that maybe the name of this odor should be Au Du Odor, so people knew what they were getting.

But then was that such a good idea?

Teddy wasn’t sure. He found himself fulminating. Being a bear of action he knew he should leap up on to things and, with his paw outstretched, declaim “Come! Let us go!” etc, and then stride off purposefully in a determined manner in particular direction. Which direction should he go on? What purpose should he have? How determined should he be? These were all important and interesting questions, but few of which seemed to have answers.

“I Have An Idea”, Exclaims Teddy Suddenly

Nesbitt looked up from his sewing machine as he was in the middle of making himself a veil.

“Oh, and what would this big idea be?”

“I’ve decided we’re going to have a Christmas party, everyone will be invited, there will be cake and presents and pony rides. It will be a magnificent celebration. You can even attend as a bride!”

“Excellent!”

Grayson Perry Wins Turner Prize - No Mention of Measles

This just in: A transvestite potter named Grayson Perry has won the coveted Turner Prize at a ceremony at the Tate Britain gallery in London last night. Aside from being a tranny who goes by the name of Claire, wears dresses in public, makes pots that he decorates with stories of infanticide and suggests that “pottery is the new video”, Grayson keeps the company of a small bear named Alan Measles.

You’d think this was the kind of thing that we would make up but it’s all completely true. We read about Alan Measles while we were in France and had intended to do a TEZNEZCO! style feature on their “relationship” but other things got in the way. No we are stunned to discover that in all the hoo-hah of Grayson winning the prize over the hotly tipped Chapman Brothers, there was absolutely no mention of Alan Measles at all. … Shocking!

bears in history - future bears

“This diary cracked me up, completely, perhaps the oddest diary I have ever read. I'm not sure if it's a takeoff on something or someone that I have somehow missed. Regardless, TEZNEZCO! chronicles the adventures of two bears and describe them as if they are a minority of some sort. The writing is disturbingly matter-of-fact as if it is perfectly normal to be writing about these bears as people. I like it; it's pleasantly novel" - Diaryreview

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