Black Beauty - 5:33 p.m.

Shooting Into The Air An Underrated Pass Time

If Teddy owned a machine gun, or an assault rifle like an M16 or, in a much cooler third world stylee, an AK47, he’d fire it into the air. Just like that – bap, bap, baaaaaap – to celebrate weddings and christenings and the capture of on-the-run tyrants.

If he owned a handgun and he was the proprietor of a shop that sold satellite dishes and he’d just heard that the guy who had ruled him ruthlessly for the last forty years had just been dug out of a “spider hole” in some farmer’s back yard, he’d take that pistol and run out into the street and fire indiscriminately into the sky.

Take that, wild blue yonder! Death to despots everywhere! Pow! Pow! Pow!

So What Did Saddam Do In The Spider Hole?

According to the “schematic diagram” in the Sydney Morning Herald today, there was only enough room down that hole for a handgun, a battery operated fan and a sleeping dictator. Air was supplied via a tube that ran up from the hole. It must have been quite dank down there and no room or light where you might read the latest issue of The New Yorker or Model Railroader. You’d probably only be able to do that in the day, even if they were still honouring your subscription and your post was being redirected from your former palace/home.

Perhaps that’s what the $750,000 in US $100 bills was doing in the farmhouse – paying for those pricey international subscriptions? It’s hard to say and Nesbitt, who knows a thing or two about despotic behaviour, wonders what he would do down a hole in the middle of the night. There’s a good chance that you’d spend quite a few hours “thinking things through.”

It was also reported that he had said to his captors, “My name is Saddam Hussein, I am the president of Iraq and I am willing to negotiate.” In a surprising twist, the arresting soldier didn’t say “negotiate my ass” but the rather cordial “President Bush sends his regards.” If we were Saddam, we’d be thinking, ‘now that’s a nice thing to hear at this time of year’ and probably believe that the message was genuine.

Kids Missing Real AK47s

The local Iraqi people (the ones not sitting behind razor wire in ‘detention centres’) were very excited about the capture of the hated dictator. They ran into the streets but lacking any serious firepower they used plastic guns instead. How happy they seemed waving ¼ scale Uzis and AK47s in the air while firing off caps and waving their hands in the air like they just didn’t care!

TEZNEZCO! Party Set For This Friday

We forgot to mention Ramon J. Dodd, Dr. Sue and Jean Bug’s mom are invited as well and there are still a few seats available. Teddy has advised that there will be a Ferris Wheel available and a giant, inflatable castle. He’s asked that guests please refrain from firing their weapons into the air as TEZNEZCO! (The Company Run By Bears TM!) has had to pay a deposit that we won’t get it back if there are any bullet holes in the Jumping Castle.

Finally, Her Name Is Buddha, Don’t Wear It Out

We got an angry note in the Notes section from Atomic Buddha pointing out that she had added us to her list of favorites ages ago and we didn’t notice, then we had the nerve to turn around and make demands in a threatening tone that we should be added, while all along it had been our own stupid fault for not noticing that she’d already done it!!!!!

We dropped by to leave a note for Atomic Buddha and apologise and noticed, by some of the notes there, that you can actually get stalkers on Diaryland. It was quite creepy. The way you can tell they are stalkers is the fact that although they are talking about how much they love you they are in fact only talking about themselves. Sure, they may only be narcissists, but on the other hand you might end up with someone who looks a lot like Gavin Hammond hanging around saying things like “I just love your diary because MY DIARY is just a bunch of boring bollocks – all I ever talk about is (blah, blah, blah) etc.” You have been warned.

Anyway, Buddha says about us “there's no way to explain [TEZNEZCO!] and I'm still trying to figure it out myself...go [to the TEZNEZCO! diary] and see for yourself. You'll be glad you did.

We certainly hope you’ll be glad, and that you can see, but honestly – what is there to work out? For those of you who just came in: TEZNEZCO! is an international consortium with diversified interests and holdings. Teddy is in charge. Nesbitt is second in charge and it’s Mr. Oaf’s job to keep the place running “day-to-day” and record the bear’s adventures on these pages. That’s all you need to know.

bears in history - future bears

“This diary cracked me up, completely, perhaps the oddest diary I have ever read. I'm not sure if it's a takeoff on something or someone that I have somehow missed. Regardless, TEZNEZCO! chronicles the adventures of two bears and describe them as if they are a minority of some sort. The writing is disturbingly matter-of-fact as if it is perfectly normal to be writing about these bears as people. I like it; it's pleasantly novel" - Diaryreview

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