Wednesday - 12:43 p.m.

Teddy F.A.Q.s

People need information about Teddy. They call us on the telephone, they send us emails, they post letters and they come around to the office with their queries.

“Help us with our Teddy-related questions,” they demand.

Instead of handing out the information in a piecemeal fashion, we’ve decided to post all the most relevant Teddy-related questions below.

How Do I Accrue Teddy Award Points?

You can build up your Teddy Award Points by simply mentioning Teddy whenever possible.

So I Earn Teddy Award Points Just By Saying the Name “Teddy”??

That’s right. For every mention of Teddy, you earn 1 Point. Let’s say that you were doing the shopping at Deep Water Plaza and you were loitering near the frozen foods section examining the range of frozen Weight Watchers meals, and you mumbled “teddy, teddy, teddy” to no one in particular, you would earn 3 Points, or 1 point for every mention.

If you were to see a small bear hanging out the window of a truck that passed you on the inside lane going at a breakneck speed and was being driven by someone who looked like a hillbilly from Deliverance, and you were to say, “My word that looks just like Teddy!” you would earn 1 Point.

Or let’s imagine that you are sitting at home watching Six Feet Under on TV and some suitably bizarre thing happened on screen (say you saw David kissing Keith right on the mouth, or, alternatively, Nate Jr.’s dead father turned up to offer some apposite advice) and you said “Hmmm, Teddy!”, that would be 1 Point.

What can I do With My Teddy Award Points

You can go on building up Teddy Award Points indefinitely, accruing them as you go, banking them or deciding to spend the points in our special Teddy Awards Gift Shop.

What Sort of Gifts Can I Buy?

The range of Teddy Gifts starts at just 100 points and goes all the way up to the million point range.

The 100 Points Range

12 Christmas Cards (Used), Old Rope (Various Lengths), Lard (for cooking), Beetles (assorted Australian, Amazonian or Ethiopian), Pup tents (for camping), American v German army play kits (some heads slightly chewed), Dog Shaped Magnets (for magnetizing things), Rare Plastic Version of Meccano (some pieces missing), Plastic Machine Gun (with built-in speaker box and intermittently working sparks), Edible fungi (on pasta), and a Sopwith Camel model (propellers missing).

The 1,000,000 Point Range of Gifts

The Mighty Lion Of Judah (comes in red, green and yellow), the Ark of The Covenant (gold only), the International Space Station (Soyuz rockets extra), the Hoover Dam (etc).

Are These Gifts Guaranteed By Teddy Himself?

Of course they are – as Teddy always says “I heartily endorse this fine product and/or service.”

Where Is My Nearest Teddy Awards Gift Shop?

You can find out where your nearest gift shop is by consulting our Teddy Finder.

bears in history - future bears

“This diary cracked me up, completely, perhaps the oddest diary I have ever read. I'm not sure if it's a takeoff on something or someone that I have somehow missed. Regardless, TEZNEZCO! chronicles the adventures of two bears and describe them as if they are a minority of some sort. The writing is disturbingly matter-of-fact as if it is perfectly normal to be writing about these bears as people. I like it; it's pleasantly novel" - Diaryreview

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